I Remember Hate...

With demonstrations and occupations on campuses and in our streets a daily event, I’ve been reflecting on the role of hate in my life.

I remember the confrontation with my grade six teacher as clear as day. It was a fall day, and something was activating my nervous system. Drs. were not prescribing amphetamines the way they are today for ADHD. However, I certainly would have fit the bill for the diagnosis. I suspect there is a reason so many ADHD diagnoses are now evolving into Adult Autism Spectrum Disorder. These kids are all showing signs of Complex Post Traumatic Disorder. They are presenting with disordered nervous systems. It seems like the culture we’ve evolved is grinding down their capacity to evolve with their environment and are hitting the breaking point. I am familiar with this experience.

When my teacher's sanity finally broke, he centred me on both shoulders, and then he directed the full force of his animus down upon me, which hit me with a wave of darkness and sound that overwhelmed my senses. I cut to tears, unable to speak. What he didn't know was that I was already broken by family violence, and I wasn't going to let him break me further. This incident propelled me deeper into my psychological defences and a life of misguided independence.

Forty years later, I can look back and witness that event. I can see the lack of understanding that sits under the animus. I can smell the fear of a grown man entirely undone by a neurodivergent twelve-year-old running defence. I can find compassion in understanding what happened.

Compassion is often used interchangeably with empathy, and both are commonly misused in everyday speech. Compassion is rooted in degrees of understanding that help us appreciate and respect another person's challenges. The experience and understanding are translated into emotion. I will write a future post on the Five Levels of Compassion.

Empathy is a bio-psycho-social phenomenon rooted in our nervous system. One part of this is what neuroscientist Dan Siegel calls mirror neurons. Mirror neurons work at a primarily subconscious level as they map the emotions of others into our nervous system. It's a kind of mimicry. It can exist more heightened or more subdued in people, and there are sex-based differences in how it presents itself.

Empathy has two sub-constituent channels: affect (think feelings) and cognition (think thinking). You can witness empathy happening as a physiological response while under the influence of certain psychedelics—most notably ketamine, a drug well suited to calming and resetting the nervous system of the neurodivergent. According to one study, the channel split in females is roughly 65% affect and 35% cognition. In males, it's the mirror opposite at 35% affect, and 65% cognition, which gives credence to the adage that women are from Venus and men are from Mars.

Knowing that male empathy leads with cognition rather than affect makes sense from an evolutionary perspective and has enormous implications. As a therapist dedicated to male mental health and development, I see the need for men to understand relational dynamics to take effective action cognitively.

Almost two years ago, I was at a swish psychedelic retreat near Vancouver. At the time, it was a watermark experience in my healing journey, and the couple leading it had what I considered to be good psychological hygiene in how they led our group. Afterwards, the group leader engaged me to understand what I valued about their service and asked if I had any ideas on how they could grow their impact. After a series of lengthy interviews, I asked him to net out for me what they do. His response was, "We help people access Love."

"What is Love?" I replied.

With an uncomfortably long moment of silence and then considerable consternation, he replied, "Love is Love!"

Our collaboration was complete. I hate using self-referential nouns, and he wasn’t willing to do the work to figure this out. We can and must do better and evolve our thinking and understanding with increased clarity. As an autistic person, I have a deeper-than-average need to make logical connections, for things to make sense, and to see emergent cross-domain coherence. This, amongst other things, allows me to wear my consulting hat and facilitate enterprise and systems change.

Almost two years later, I recently found myself at a Holotropic breathwork training session an hour outside of Toronto. Surrounded by a group, I consider my elders. Amid this group's tremendous Love and care and a spark of life with another person exploding, I awoke at 4 am on day 2 of this retreat to an epiphany about Love that felt like a transmission from the Eternals. I began mapping qualities that I believe are prerequisites or ingredients for Love to flourish.

Maister, Green, and Galford's Trust Equation came to mind. I recommend their book The Trusted Advisor to all my leadership development clients. I've used this new Love equation daily in my coaching, psychotherapy, and consulting practice for almost three weeks. Some clients who have worked with the Trust Equation seem to 'just get it.' I will continue writing on it for those new to this concept until it feels complete. I am so enthusiastic about it.

As I settle into my life as an autistic person, I am harnessing the strengths of my sensory perception. I feel the hate that has filled my heart and consumed my soul, receding like waves with the tides of life. There is at once a paradoxical emptying and fullness to life.

I’m searching in my own life and my work as a developmental coach for the next generation of leaders who operate from a deeper sense of self and can dig deeper into meaningful discourse that cuts through the hate. Leaders who know how to lead with Kindness and Benevolence and have the capacity to be both Frank and Friendly; Leaders who speak with Reason, Treat others with Courtesy, Act with Emotion, and Accomplish Results. And when all else fails, we are also prepared to pick up the sword when called to defend sovereign values.

I am heartened to report that I am starting to see these men and women emerge.

As we experience and remember hate, please help me discover Love. I hope you’ll reflect on this equation and find the value of using it in your own life. If you do, I invite you to drop me a note; I’d love to hear how it works for you and what you might like clarified. Here is the Love Equation (and yes, the graphics still need to catch up), all in good time.